First
Contact: Do's and Don'ts for Replying to Personal Ads
By Tracy Brant
You may have a great personal ad... and a wonderful smiling
photo to go with your ad... but things can still fall apart
if you are sending out an awkward first message in response
to other people's ads. What can you do to make that first message
work for you?
DO:
Write in advance. This lets you think about
what you want to say about yourself and, more importantly,
check your spelling and grammar. Have a friend read and react
to your draft message.
Spellcheck. Yes, this counts. It shows that
you are serious about finding dates and willing to pay attention
to details. Some people are just natural bad spellers, but
it can make you look less smart or less educated than you
really are. Most websites do not offer spellchecking of profiles.
Personalize! We recommend writing a general
template of a first message, but you have to personalize it
for each person you contact. Mention something from their
profile, ask a question that refers to something they wrote,
or describe how you would be a good match for them. Mention
what attracted your attention to their ad. No one wants to
think they just received a form letter.
Write more than one line. "Liked your
profile... want to chat?" This may be the most commonly-sent
message on a dating website... and the most ignored. You need
to say something else. Set yourself apart and say something
interesting to get a reply.
Use humor. If someone with a great personal
ad is receiving lots of replies... what will make yours stand
out? A funny line might help. But if you have noticed that
people do not respond well to your brand of humor... save
your jokes for later.
Keep track of whom you've contacted. Don't
write a series of letters to someone who has not responded...
you'll look desperate or like a stalker.
DON'T:
Don't demand personal info immediately.
Certainly not if you have failed to offered any details yourself.
Go for a balance between talking about yourself and asking
about them.
Don't open with your last failed relationship.
Sure, you have a dating history. But talking about "game
players, liars, and cheats" makes you sound a little
bitter. Don't sound like you are obsessed with past partners...
or that you think everyone will hurt you.
Don't open with sex. "Hi. You look
sexy." Unless the person's ad specifically says they
only want a casual sexual relationship, it can easily sound
vulgar and rude. Women, in particular, typically delete those
messages. When men get letters like that, they often expect
a link to a porn site to follow. Even on a website that focuses
on "adult activities," you need to do more than
describe your body or fantasies.
Don't write a novel. Sending out your life
story as a first contact is going to look odd. You need to
write enough to sound like you have a life, not a book you'd
like to publish.
Don't open with "I hate online dating."
It is amazing how many people open a note with a line that
condemns online dating sites and the people that use them.
You are talking to someone that uses a dating website! Do
you really want to immediately imply that they are desperate,
dumb, or dangerous?
Don't ask for a phone number, address, or
last name before you have even gotten a reply from someone.
You may be mistaken for a serial killer or a telemarketer.
Go slowly in asking for that sort of information; you don't
want to scare off prospective dates.
___________________
© Dateable.com LLC 2002
About the author: Tracy Brant is a freelance writer and an
editor at Dateable.com. She can be contacted at tracy@dateable.com.
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